How To Remove Lipstick Key Tutorial for Serial Womanisers

[14/06/10] 

It’s one of the oldest territorial marks of the fairer sex, a more elegant version of our ‘love bites’, and if you’re caught with the wrong shade at the wrong time, you’re on an express train to what Walter Sobchak (John Goodman) describes in The Big Lebowski as “a world of pain”.

Step 1: Treat the Stain. You need to act faster than a ninja defending the honour of his father. Head for the bathroom and dab the stain with a wet tissue or a white cloth (not your shirt tales). Gently flowing water and a slow dabbing process might help breakdown the outer layers of lipstick.


Step 2: If you’ve really been marked, you might consider buying a shot of vodka (use house, anything more would be a waste) and use the alcohol to help breakdown the oils of the lipstick. Don’t be afraid to claim a stall and whip off your shirt to do the job properly – after all, this is your future we’re talking about. Use the alcohol to soak the damaged area for a minute or two before using water again. Remember, dab, don’t smear, otherwise you’ll look like you were stabbed (we’ll come to that later).

Step 3: If the shirt’s cleaning instructions say it’s machine washable you might be in luck. If you’re in a restaurant environment, tip the waiter to bring you some soda water and baking soda from the kitchen – take both back to the Bathroom Stall of Shame and use them to release the stain.

Step 4: If it’s safe to go home, you might want to pick up some pre-wash stain remover and leave the shirt soaking before whisking that Brooks Brothers beauty down to the drycleaners. If you’re the gentleman caller of a femme fatale, ask to borrow her hairspray; it works in the same way as the bathroom vodka shot.

Step 5: If all else fails, you might have to bite the bullet. Remove the shirt and rip it in the appropriate places to remove stain detection. When you’re ready to head home, add some street dirt, untuck yourself and mess up that perfect “Avalon” hair - you’ve got some fibbing to do. In your dishevelled state, an attempted mugging or bar tussle will detract suspicion, and if that doesn’t seem convincing, use your own blood to cover up the stain, claiming a sudden nose bleed brought on by work stress. After all, either way, you’re going to bleed.


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